When to talk about if you’re actually in a relationship

I recently met a guy, and we started texting a lot and hanging out. For a long time, we were in that unclear, ambiguous stage – we were spending a lot of time together, but we hadn’t actually talked about the status of our relationship. I realised I wanted to know if we were exclusive or not, but didn’t want to seem needy or scare him away. I started wondering – when is the right time to talk about if we’re actually in a relationship?

One day, after not hearing from him for about a week, I decided I just needed to know. Whether we were in an official relationship or not, I didn’t want to keep investing time and my heart into something if it was only one-sided. It felt risky to ask the question. But I’d got to a point where my feelings just weren’t casual any more, and I couldn’t pretend they were.

The day I sent the text was agonising. He took a while to reply, but eventually we met up. We realised that even though we were only at the beginning of something, we both wanted to move towards a real, defined relationship. After all the agony, this was the best decision we made in our early days. We’re still together, and now in a committed and dedicated relationship, where we can both talk about how we feel. I realised that for me, casual, unclear relationships aren’t fun. They just left me feeling insecure and empty.

I’m happy that the conversation I had with my boyfriend back then lead to us becoming exclusive. But looking back, I think it would have been equally good for me if he had decided he didn’t want anything more than the casual sex we’d got used to. I would have been disappointed, but at least I’d have known where I stood. There are two people in every relationship. When it comes to the right time to have “the talk,” it’s exactly the moment when “casual” stops being fun for both of you.

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One Response

  • Aw I am glad to hear that it worked out for you! I agree, casual, unclear relationships aren’t always that fun. But I think it’s fine to start out like that for a bit, you don’t want to commit too early necessarily. I have had a few casual relationships that were good fun and still didn’t turn into a full relationship – that’s ok too!

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