When I realised sex wasn’t like porn

During June and July, Status has been publishing personal blogs, written by young men, related to the key findings in our ‘Love, Lust and Loneliness’ report, which you can read here.

Here is the fourth blog, which relates to this key finding: 66% said they did not expect sex in real life to be like sex in the porn they watch.

By Rob Edwards

Sex. Much like archaeology, gunfights and alien invasions it’s nothing like it is in the movies. It’s not some sensually slow-shot affair, with a bed covered in roses and flanked on all sides by flickering candles.

What sex is in reality is awkward, funny, intense, terrifying, boring, exhilarating and every single other adjective under the sun. It’s complex, to say the least.

Folks of my generation, with almost uninhibited access to the internet have probably seen more porn in the last 12 months than our grandparents could have ever dreamed of while queuing to get their ration books stamped.

Now I’m not about to go on some rant saying masturbation was better in our parents’ day when they had to hunt for soiled magazines in the bins of the local mechanics. But, such widespread access to porn, with all its peculiar subgenres, can easily warp our young and impressionable minds regarding what good sex should be.

I remember a few days after losing my own virginity, how unsatisfied I felt after sex – how my perception of what sex should be wasn’t even close to the reality that I’d lived through.

There were no earth-shaking orgasms for me or my partner, just half an hour of fumbling with bra straps and fiddling with condoms. Finding where my penis should go was quite the battle and after a time we simply collapsed in each other’s arms and fell asleep while Pulp Fiction played on my laptop a few metres away.

Now compare that to the porn you’ve doubtlessly watched. Actors and actresses (remember they are actors at the end of the day) having sex so flawlessly, with little fuss but with maximum enjoyment.

So how could sex be anything but incredible? The sheen is somewhat lost when you remember that this couple (threesome, foursome etc.) are being filmed by an entire camera crew, and have probably been filming for five hours and are more interested in their drive home than the penis hovering around their face.

It’s all an act and an incredibly convincing one to those who don’t know what the act really is.

It took me finding a long-term girlfriend to blow away these misconceptions of what sex actually was. For much of the relationship, we could barely keep our hands off each other and it was great.

But it wasn’t the penetrative sex I adored but all the other little things around sex. The heavy breathing, the sense of allowing yourself to be vulnerable with someone you trust, the warmth of each other’s bodies.

This wasn’t sex but it was erotic, and when I look back on that relationship that is the stuff that I miss the most.

This is the sort of experience you can’t teach but has to be learnt through experience. Your own mileage will of course vary, as will everyone else’s.

You may find you’re physically blessed to be able to perform all manner of positions, or endowed with such a powerful package that it needs to be declared at airport customs.

Whatever situation, porn should be used sparingly. Like any good thing, too much of it will spoil the appetite and leave your perceptions of sex all wrong, making it that bit harder to really have a satisfying sex life.

  • Did you find this interesting?
  • Yes   No

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *